Maybe you aren’t actually an introvert.

Maybe you are shy because you simply aren’t very confident in yourself, for whatever reason. Maybe you are insecure about some dental work you want done, or maybe you’ve fallen out of dressing nice for yourself, or of doing your hair and makeup regularly. Maybe you simply don’t really know what to say, or you are stuck wondering what topics are appropriate for ‘small talk’ with your boss or your mother’s friend.

I’d encourage you, if you want to, to sit down in total solitude and try to think deeply of what exactly you think about in social situations, what are you worried about? Make a list of these things and then decide to get better at those things.

For me, clothing was the change I made that had the biggest impact. I didn’t even know that it was really what was holding my confidence back, and maybe it really wasn’t holding me back, the problem was that no confidence CAME from me feeling good in how I was dressed. After using my free time to study clothing and dressing well, then buying the pieces I determined were how I wanted to look and would feel good in, my confidence soared.

I mean, I spent so much time studying what many agreed objectively ‘looked good’ that by the time I was wearing my new looks, the confidence was already there, because I also had the knowledge of WHY it looked good. I knew that tucking in my shirt flattered my waist, that pulling up my sleeves to expose my wrists was slimming, that a slicked back bun (though a hairstyle I usually avoided) looked clean and hid my otherwise unstyled hair.

People say that the way to know if you are an extrovert or an introvert is if you are energized by people (the mark of an extrovert), or if, after socializing, you need to decompress and recharge (the mark of an introvert).

I would like to offer that the reason some of us feel the need to recharge after socializing is possibly because the whole time we are socializing we are typically either feeling worried or stressed about how we look, and/or being drained from feeling awkward and not knowing what to say. Feeling awkward is exhausting, the feeling is a source of stress that our body can’t do anything about until we leave the situation. Think of sitting in a room with a crying baby without being able to calm them… your cortisol level is spiked, your heart is racing, your body rigid, and then you have to remain in that state until you leave. No wonder socializing is draining to us!

But you can actually learn how to feel more comfortable talking to people, and what to talk about, you can contemplate why certain topics are off-limits for professional conversations so that in the future you won’t have to think about it, you will naturally avoid those topics. You can learn mannerisms that are perceived in whichever way you want to be perceived: manly, feminine, strong, charismatic, intellectual.

Some people will say that this kind of intentional time ‘crafting’ who you are is ‘fake’ or an ‘act,’ and for some people, it is. But when you do this right, it becomes who you are, the actions and things you say come from deep within you. And may I also say that behind the scenes of the people you know, or have seen, who do this genuinely, or seemingly from birth, had to learn these things too, they just tend to do so from their parents, friends, and relatives (their sphere of influence) when they are young. Either explicitly, like being told by a mother how to properly greet someone, or from their young observation of those people.

It’s simply not fair to say that if your parents didn’t teach you something, or if you didn’t pick it up when they did tell you, that you can not pick up the skill yourself later in life because, then it’s ‘an act’.

If talking to people and making connections is one of the things you want to improve, Charisma On Command, and Charisma University by Charlie Houpert is one of the most interesting YouTube channels and programs I have ever seen. Totally not sponsored, I just think these kinds of resources need to be shared more! His free YouTube videos provide a lot of value alone! In addition, watching body language experts can be insightful.

I think when someone takes up personal growth, along the way they hopefully will pick up a love of people (if they didn’t already), as well as come to understand that ‘when you really listen to people, they become so interesting that you can hardly stand it’. Both of these have taken me just as far in realizing my potential to be energized by people.

And, here is some additional food for thought, while awkardness does probably exist in Spain, this video highlights the differences in live experiences that may affect our comfortability around other people (https://www.tiktok.com/@dr.tpanova/video/7218234752737004846?_r=1&_t=8gx0z9e2J5C)

Thanks for reading!